I miss the Solitude

I really miss the solitude i used to get in my previous job. The solitude which gave me time to know myself.

There were some great places which had become part of my life. They gave me the time to reunite with myself. When I say, i was alone. It was not because the others threw me to it, but something which i wanted. I made sure that everyday of mine will have few minutes of solitude in any of these places- Near the pool, Near the fish pond or outside building 26.

When I was there, it was just me and me. There was no one to ask me why i sat there or no one to disturb me. It was a feeling of being alone in a crowd with a difference that is with no noise.

Now in this new place I miss these places. I need to reinvent and get me a place which will bring back me in myself.

As they say : "Loneliness is not the same as being alone. Everyone has times when they are alone through circumstances or choice. Being alone can be experienced as positive, pleasurable, and emotionally refreshing if it is under the individuals control. Solitude is the state of being alone and secluded from other people, and often implies having made a conscious choice to be alone. Loneliness is therefore unwilling solitude."

I am now craving for it.

When good becomes bad!!!

Sometimes a questing lingers in my mind, do we have something called Good and Bad in this world. Can we really differentiate every entity in this world into 2 categories ‘Good’ and ‘Bad’. Not possible. Just for the reason that each one of us are unique, something which seems good for me might not be good for the other person.

Last week, I was all ecstatic and was in good spirit through out the day. I could see that one of my acquaintance is jealous and the behaviour of hers towards me was not good. But I don’t know why, I never took that to heart and even thought that ‘She is not in a good mood’. I am less forgiving usually.

But last Monday, my mood was off and everything around me seemed like conspiring against me. A joke of my friend, which I usually enjoy;annoyed me so much that I just back fired. And all sorts of thoughts flooded; all of a sudden I felt that that friendof mine is no good and I believed her blindly all these days.

Deciding good or bad is just our state of mind. We are happy, the world seems happy and we are sad, everything else is bad.

Freedom or Independence

We had a essay competition in our company on Independence day's occasion. I had the least interest to go but went because of sowmya, my friend. Over there the essay requirements were as below:

Topic: freedom or independence
Criteria: It shd not be more than 61 words and not less than 50 words..
Time duration : 20 mins.

Oops, the 61 words condition was difficult to handle. I thought I will write it like a poem and it was something like this:

Out of mom's womb!!
Am happy, am Free!
But they aren't!!!
Why,
I am a GIRL!!!!

They try to kill , Mom cries,
Protests and runs...

It is dark,
mom walks with me.
They push, we fall.
Comes savior, but killed!!
Police laugh,
The Giants follow !!!

We run,
For the independence,
The tears fall from sky asking,
'Where is FREEDOM?"
still running.................



Do we have the freedom????

Guess what I got the first prize but the question still lingers!!!!!!!!

Life in INFY

Hmm.. Never did I think that the company I dreamt of getting into, would move out of my career so soon.

Yeah.. I remember the day, I was walking on the pavement, on the way to my college in 3rd semester, I saw a bus with a blue board and 'Infosys' written on it. I just prayed, let me get into this God. And I think there was tataastu from him so I got through the interview. It was my first and the last interview in last 3 years. I did not know what advantages i would get after joining but just that I wanted to get in. I loved the spirit of NRN and the stories of sudha murthy.

After I got my offer letter, i left to my home town did not turn my face to Bangalore till September 19th 2005, my first day in Infy. We came to the Mysore campus and the was just awed by the rooms and the campus. Made some good friends and started off with the software which I was very weak at. Not that I was from E&C background but I hated 'C' and myself and the computer were not great friends as well.

On the first day we had our soft skills training and the Dos and Don'ts in and outside the campus. The speakers were really good. The training program in Infy is really commendable.I owe my skills to this training.

We had a very strenuous generic training and the stream trainings. I think the best chapter of my life would be life in Mysore campus.
Basically I love reading and Infy had a huge library and there were no time restrictions. I used to study till 1.00-2.00 P.M in night and come back to the room. It was fun and fun. Nerdy ? ;)

I could see people studying late nights, the people who never opened their books in colleges were quite different over here. Infy changed them.

The trainings were over and I headed to Infy Bangalore, my first day being of 2nd Feb-2006. I had dreams backed by my achievements. When I joined Infy I had my own ideas and i don think blog is right place to share them. I tried every ounce to go near the dream. I was the topper in generic training and was even awarded the 'Best Trainee' award. And so i had very high expectations when i came to Bangalore. Ironically I could not fulfil many even after my hard work.As Ghalib says 'bahut nikle armaan mere, kambhakt jo bhi nikle kam nikle' Never mind, Life is a mix of fate and hard work and and I will keep trying.

Initially at the start I was frustrated with no work and i did create some big problems. yeah i laugh at myself now when i look back. But that was my urge to learn and grow!!

Got some good projects and my manger did help me out to grow, he gave me certain things to do that made me learn and know new aspects. New challenges came and went, I think i gave my 100% to them. But yes i grew technically but not in any other aspect. That frustrated me. It was not the fault of anyone but still my growth was hindered.

My visa did not go through twice and my dreams of on site gradually moved away from reality and since I had to move on in life. I decided to quit. Here I am writing this blog sitting in new company. Will write about my last day in Infy in the next post!!

Search Algorithm

I was reading the online book 'What IF' by Steve.L.Robbins, which is the collection of stories and a learning attached to it. No..As you may think it is not philosophy or teachings book. This is different. Some real time humorous incidents and the author attaches a meaning to it.

OK.. Lets come to the point.The lines which made me to ponder over my thoughts were "Thanks, Dad, for showing us another place to look for our games when they get lost." These are the lines exclaimed by the son of the author to him when the author forces the son to search in the room which was the least probable place to find the lost toy.

Same is with our life.When we don't find the way to meet our goals, we think that all the doors are shut and never think of alternatives and behave as if this is the end.

Just open your eyes and you would find the right thing, the thing that u wanted badly, the goal you wanted to accomplish badly. i think I have done that now, I have found out my alternative route to move on in life. I am quitting the present company and moving on to a new company.

Fingers crossed. Hoping for the best.

INDIFFERENCE

The transition!!! What I was before 2 weeks and what I am now, the transition has happened and it has happened for good. I never realized that I have changed until yesterday. I got to know that I am being recognized for my work and I would get the appreciation from our client before all my project mates. After the meet, I was surrounded by the ‘Congrats’ of all of my teammates. But I was unmoved, I was not happy. It was as if it was another day for me.

The smiling faces with ‘congrats’ on their lips seemed nothing to me all of a sudden. The person who always loved to be recognized was indifferent to people’s praises. I realized I have lost myself. One of my friends teased me of attaining the sainthood. I laughed at her but the question still lingered- why am I like this now?

I thought that I was not that deserving candidate to be recognized and there were many who are still in their cocoons waiting to come out. The way for them, being a recognition. All philosophical thoughts flooded my mind all of a sudden. I just shrugged them off and left the place.

At night, I opened the book ‘The Fountainhead’ and started reading. The story had stopped at “The hero Howard Roark being called to the court and he listens to both the extreme praises and extreme shuns”, after every talk he just has a smile and says ‘No Questions’. For a moment I paused and looked at myself and thought, is the feeling of mine going to lead me to the state where Howard is?

Oh!!I am not comparing myself to the hero of the masterpiece and I do not want to be like Roark, I am fine being myself. I want to be the same human who enjoys the small joys and gets excited for the same. I don’t want to be the saint for whom everything is illusion.

Still the question remains why did I change? The reason may be that there were certain disappointments in life which demolished all the plans, made me loose myself. May be I want to prepare myself for the worst so I don’t want to get excited on the joys. Just the preparation for being the same in all situations.

There may be varied answers but the conclusion is as of now I am ‘INDIFFERENT’ to everything. May be a small dream of mine when it comes true, I will become human again.

Luck

LUCK… I started using this word more often after I came to this so called “CORPORATE” world.
Sometimes I usually ask this question “What is Luck?” to myself and think for hours on it with the result of having a debate instead of THE answer. Seems strange but being mature enough; I am not able to find an answer for a question which appears to be simple but is quite complex at least in my perspective.

As the debate goes on while the process of thinking is in progress; One side has a valid point stating ‘Luck is something not in your hand; but truly playing an important part in your life’; is it so? Strange; as an avid believer from my childhood; one of the key points my mom had instilled in my mind that “U r the architect of your destiny, work and u will bear the fruits” I really cannot accept this point that something not in your hands can change our life. But the reality is something different.

At least when I was in my school; my mom’s advise was proved many times. So I always was optimistic about future thinking if anything happens that will be because of me. But slowly this feeling is diminishing after entering this so called CORPORATE world; the false faced people; hypocrites, some introverts some extroverts. Everything starting from the project you get, the work you get, the recognition; the appraisals, the growth. Hmmm the list grows as we think about it. All this depends on Luck. But as I start to take a stand that Luck is the ultimate. My other side of mind knocks and says “Hey I am still there, don’t take the judgement!!!”
The other side is very lucky; well prepared may be because it had enough time to prepare.

“LUCK is something which truly affects your life but this comes into picture only when you have worked”. This side is like my mom, who is very optimistic in life, “No matter what happens but I am sure I will get the results” You should be very strong at heart to be like this, which unluckily I have not inherited from my mom. Let’s be practical and watch the scenario, for how many ppl the luck has favored who really don’t deserve? May be it seems to us now that they are Lucky, but wait, do we know something about their previous life, their work. The answer is NO. So how can we say that the result was due to DUMB luck?
Hmm he has a valid point rite?

I have come up with a conclusion that “Success comes at the meeting point of the hard work and the luck”. Be prepared who knows when the luck knocks your door. May be late but the result is for sure.

What Say????