Wednesday, June 25, 2008


The transition!!! What I was before 2 weeks and what I am now, the transition has happened and it has happened for good. I never realized that I have changed until yesterday. I got to know that I am being recognized for my work and I would get the appreciation from our client before all my project mates. After the meet, I was surrounded by the ‘Congrats’ of all of my teammates. But I was unmoved, I was not happy. It was as if it was another day for me.

The smiling faces with ‘congrats’ on their lips seemed nothing to me all of a sudden. The person who always loved to be recognized was indifferent to people’s praises. I realized I have lost myself. One of my friends teased me of attaining the sainthood. I laughed at her but the question still lingered- why am I like this now?

I thought that I was not that deserving candidate to be recognized and there were many who are still in their cocoons waiting to come out. The way for them, being a recognition. All philosophical thoughts flooded my mind all of a sudden. I just shrugged them off and left the place.

At night, I opened the book ‘The Fountainhead’ and started reading. The story had stopped at “The hero Howard Roark being called to the court and he listens to both the extreme praises and extreme shuns”, after every talk he just has a smile and says ‘No Questions’. For a moment I paused and looked at myself and thought, is the feeling of mine going to lead me to the state where Howard is?

Oh!!I am not comparing myself to the hero of the masterpiece and I do not want to be like Roark, I am fine being myself. I want to be the same human who enjoys the small joys and gets excited for the same. I don’t want to be the saint for whom everything is illusion.

Still the question remains why did I change? The reason may be that there were certain disappointments in life which demolished all the plans, made me loose myself. May be I want to prepare myself for the worst so I don’t want to get excited on the joys. Just the preparation for being the same in all situations.

There may be varied answers but the conclusion is as of now I am ‘INDIFFERENT’ to everything. May be a small dream of mine when it comes true, I will become human again.

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